saying goodbye

Pardon me while I blubber...

but we had the saddest of evenings tonight. You know that part of Charlotte's Web when the animals are at the fair and Charlotte doesn't get to go back home with them?  Even though you know it's true, you wait, holding your breath to see if maybe, just maybe she'll somehow appear again in Wilbur's crate?  And that sadness that overwhelms you when you realize she's not there and never will be again? This is how I felt tonight when we said goodbye to our animals.

It was hard on all of us. Phil, his dad, and Caleb, our little shepherd boy, drove away at 10:00 this evening, hauling 14 sheep and 9 steers in a cattle trailer. The men will drive all night so they can be at the auction first thing tomorrow morning. I know this is going to sound pathetic, but we stood in the rain at the end of our driveway crying our eyes out and the kids wailed at the top of their lungs, "Goodbye forever, sheepies and cows...we'll miss you...why do you have to go...Daddy, please bring them back." I kept wondering if our neighbors could hear us. We watched until the truck and trailer were out of sight, then headed upstairs to brush our teeth and pile into my bed to watch Muppet Babies on You Tube. Isn't that what you would do if someone drove away with your farm animals?

Last week, we were having to keep a close eye on one of our sheep who was having trouble walking. She was older and the only female who did not have babies this summer. Last Sunday, Phil walked in the house and said quietly, "I need to go dig a hole now." I knew exactly what that meant. At that moment, I was snuggled up with my girls watching a Christmas episode of Little House on the Prairie. Right after he told me this, I had to watch Mr. Edwards give Laura and Mary their tin cups and peppermint sticks. Talk about heart-wrenching!

I love how my 9 year old tried to comfort his little brother this afternoon..."Caleb, don't worry. They're not all going away. One is staying here. The dead one."  Thanks, Jared.

So now I have this terrible ache in my heart and an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. This from a girl who said months ago about farm life, "This just isn't me."

I'm not sure how long it will be until I can go out to those empty stalls again.

as it should be

Two cups are better than one. 

Phil was gone all of last week for a work conference and things just weren't the same around here. It's so nice to have everyone together again. We enjoyed coffee on the patio tonight after dinner while watching the kids run around and play. Things are as they should be. Ahhhhhhh.

One of my sisters called this week and asked if she could come for an impromptu visit. This was her first visit up here in our new home so we had fun showing her around. I love sister visits. We do what we call our 'sister laugh.' If you heard us, you'd understand.We crack each other up and laugh hysterically about the strangest things.

After dinner I headed out to the garden to check on things and to take a couple of pictures. Earlier this week I realized that I haven't posted any recent pictures of our garden.

I love slipping my worn-out rubber boots on after dinner and heading out to the field with the family to check on the garden and visit the animals. It's so peaceful here in the evening.

And look what we have now! Lots and LOTS of blackberries...big, juicy ones. A few weeks ago a vendor at the farmer's market gave me several sturdy berry baskets. They're perfect for sending out with the kids when we need a few berries for breakfast. I think they're adorable, and they make berry picking that much more fun with the added cuteness factor. :)

The berries don't last long. My kiddos caught up with me as I walked into the front yard. I probably brought less than 10 berries back into the house with me.

A quick game of sprinkler tag before bedtime

heading into march

And here it is, March already. We're enjoying early signs of spring around here--much, much earlier than we did in Spokane. Last month was a busy month for us. We were able to bring home 4 sheep, 5 lambs (a set of twins included), 1 ram, and 9 bulls. I was a little intimidated at first. My husband grew up on a cattle ranch, I grew up in San Francisco. I honestly didn't know how much I'd enjoy farm life. It's so relaxing to grab a cup of coffee, roll up my jeans, slip on my rubber boots and head out to the pasture. The animals know us now and aren't so skittish when we come near. I can walk amongst them or just sit on the fence rails for little visits. I can even clean out the sheep's stall with the pitchfork and add new hay for them to bed in. This is big for me, especially since I happened upon a dead rat the first time I went into the tack room to gather hay.

It's been fun to watch my boys work with their dad out in the fields. One boy has taken to the sheep, the other to the cattle. A shepherd and a rancher. I can see from my kitchen window scenes as sweet as this. But I think my favorite so far is seeing my husband sitting on the fence rails with his coffee in hand and cattle all around. This is a wonderful sight to see as I stand at my kitchen sink to do the morning's dishes.

The girls are precious, too, stomping around the fields in their rubber boots. One girl, in particular, loves the animals and she loves to walk around the perimeter of the pasture checking the fences with her daddy. But the other girl prefers to stay inside to draw and color and dance. I still enjoy being indoors, too, because I'm in love with my bright, new kitchen.

We've picked up a couple of books on homesteading. As beneficial as this sounds, it's also very intimidating to one who grew up in the city. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this way, but every time I read through the Little House series I beat myself up for being so dependent on modern conveniences and technology.

I loved reading this quote about Charles Ingalls the other night:

"'That machine's a great invention!' he said.
'Other folks can stick to old-fashioned ways if they want to,
but I'm all for progress.
It's a great age we're living in.
As long as I raise wheat,
I'm going to have a machine come and thresh it.'"

And so am I. I'm all for progress. I say if a machine can do the work, let it. But if I can find joy in doing something with my own hands, if I have the time to do it (meaning, it won't take too much time away from my family), and if it's cost-effective, I just might consider doing some things the "old-fashioned" way. And just because it's possible to produce much of our own food on this plot of land, I think I'll still head to the grocery store for my bread, milk and eggs. I'm trying to look at this new life of mine and find a good balance. If Caroline Ingalls were alive today, I'd most likely run into her at Wal-Mart from time to time. :)

february days

Super fun paper for making a valentine banner

New sheep, lambs and a ram

Girlies playing Costco stample (sample) ladies this morning with their unplugged easybake oven

Teaching our oldest how to drive the lawn mower

Raking, and resting after raking, our leaves from last Fall (we're just a tad behind here)

Here's a sweet little video of the kids putting the sheep to bed for the night...

merry christmas and a kitchen preview

We had such a great Christmas this year in our new home! I think we're finally starting to feel settled. Little by little we're getting things unpacked and put away. I laughed this morning when I thought about adding Christmas presents to the mix. And next week we have a birthday with a certain young man turning 9. It just never ends! Boxes, boxes and more boxes.

One of the things we love about our home is the amount of company we've had since we've moved. It seems we're on the way to and from everywhere and lots of people have stopped by en route. Yesterday we had friends stop by on their way home to Idaho. This evening, some good friends of ours from Spokane will spend the night on their way down to Southern California. Sometime tomorrow Phil's aunt and uncle will stop by on their way home from Portland, and this weekend his cousin will stop by on her way home from Salem.

We were able to spend Christmas weekend in California with both of our families. The 5 siblings on my side of the family were together again after 4 years. The last time we were together was at my little sister's wedding back in 2007. It was fun to watch all the cousins play together.

Phil had to work Tuesday morning, so he and I left Monday afternoon. We've been kid-less for the past 2 days. :( Our kids stayed behind in Northern California with Phil's parents so they could play with their cousins who arrived from Southern California late the night before. My sister-in-law is driving my 4 and the cousins up to Oregon right now. They'll arrive this evening and stay through the weekend. Confusing? Let me interpret...f-u-n...and lots of it!!!

We miss our Spokane winters and all the snow, so instead we play in the leaf pile out front.

The kitchen is coming along nicely. I was able to unpack my dishes last week. No more washing plastic plates in the bathroom sink!!!

Hope your Christmas was wonderful, too.

memo to self: laugh

At bedtime the other night, my boys asked me, "Mom, why don't you laugh anymore?"

Ouch!

I try so hard to keep it together on the outside, but when I'm home with the people I love most, my comfort zone, I let them see all the ugly stuff.

And the sad thing is, I don't even realize it. I guess I could blame the chaos of the move; but honestly, if it wasn't the move, I would probably find something else to blame. There's always something else, right?

I want my kids to remember me as a happy mom.

Time to go back and read this again.

i'm home

I could write 10 blog posts about today. Really, I could. But it was just too wonderful for words. Our realtor called this morning and said he was going pick up our keys later in the afternoon. I waited and waited and faithfully carried my phone with me--even into the bathroom. Just in case. He called while the kids were playing on the playground after school.

As we drove out to our new home along those beautiful, autumn-filled country roads, my heart was so full. There was beauty all around me. And then I looked into my rear view mirror...beauty, still. My kids' sweet, smiling faces looked back at me. "We're going home, Mommy!"

When I drove onto the property, I felt like I was trespassing. This was the first time I've been there without our realtor present. I wasn't sure what to do. Do we just go inside?

Let me just say that my kids played and played and played! Funny thing...they were so happy in this new house of ours with absolutely no toys. It sure makes a mommy happy...especially one that's been cooped up in a hotel for awhile. I loved walking around barefoot and feeling the grass between my toes. I loved hearing my girls say, "Let's play Little House on the Prairie," and then, "Let's play Anne of Green Gables." I would have joined them, but I wanted to explore, too. We explored inside, then outside and everywhere in between.

My favorite memory of the day though, is this. When my happy toes and I went back inside, the house was extremely quiet. The kids didn't answer when I called, so I headed upstairs. This is what I saw as I walked into one of the bedrooms...just a little bit of light shining from underneath the closet door. There they were, playing clubhouse!

We lingered for about 2 hours before heading back to the hotel. We'll stay there until this weekend when Phil will be off from work. But we'll head up there again tomorrow to do a little more dreaming and to put 4 little pumpkins on our new front porch.

he listens

Wow! Who knew that moving could be so crazy? I used to think that the last time we moved was a big deal--the time we moved with a 4 year old, a 3 year old and almost 2 year old twins. I think that was easier, because as long as their toys and beds came along with us and we found a great park and a library with lots of books we were all good.

Now we have 4 kids who are very aware of what we've left behind. They're very aware of the fact that all of their belongings have been in storage since July and they won't get to see these things until November. One of my girls asked, "Why couldn't we just bring one little piece of wood from my bed?" Ouch. If I knew back then that it would have made things a little easier for her, I would have. But I didn't know.

Trying to keep it all together and keep everyone happy has been difficult, to say the least. But I'm so thankful God cares when I'm overwhelmed or lonely. I'm in such good hands.

"I love the Lord...because He bends down to listen." --Psalm 116

This is such a beautiful picture to me--that God, the Maker of the entire universe, would bend down to listen to little 'ol me.

roots

Grandma, 90, with 13 or her 16 grandchildren and lots of great grandchildren

Both of my Grandmas' birthdays are 1 day apart. One turned 82 on Saturday and one turned 90 on Sunday. Because we live only 5 hours from our family instead of 17 when we lived in Spokane, we were able to join in the birthday celebrations this past weekend. It was such a special time. We haven't been together since Grandpa's funeral back in 2003. My oldest was only 8 months old.

I'm so glad that my kids will know their Great Grandmas. My husband is so good about having our kids connect with them. Because of him, they've seen both of their Great Grandmas 3 times in the last 9 months. He says it doesn't matter if we drive 10 hours and stay only 1 hour. It's worth it. I'm glad they'll know these women and their little houses. They'll have memories of playing in their backyards like I do.

No matter how busy we are, it's important for us to take time to connect with the past. As we drove home last night, I kept thinking about an article that I tore out of a magazine and stashed away in my address book years ago. It's called "Grandma's Hands," written by Kent Nerburn...

"Did you have a good time at Grandma's? Did you hold her hand? When Grandma was little, her grandma used to hold her hand just like that. And you know what? Her grandma's hand had once held the reins of a team of oxen that were pulling a covered wagon. When you were holding Grandma's hand, you were touching back all the way to the pioneers. She can help you touch faraway places."

Do my kids even know what a privilege it is to know these two beautiful women--to know and to connect with anyone who was born in 1921 and 1929? No, of course not. But it's my job--no, it's my privilege to teach them.

three letters

With the kids in school this year (we've homeschooled up until now), I've had lots of "think time" this week. The boys are in school all day and my girls are in half day Kindergarten, so I'm not quite sure what to do with my time while staying in a hotel in a new city.

Yesterday I drove up to my husband's work just to look at the directory in the lobby. He told me they had just placed his name on it and I wanted to take a peek. I know it sounds silly, but it took my breath away. Seeing those three little letters after his name...PA-C...made me so happy. Then I had this thought...no one who glances at that directory will ever know how those letters have impacted our little family. No one will know that those three letters after his name are a testament to what God has lovingly brought us through. I wish they could, though. It changed us, and I want everyone to know about it.

My husband used to be a firefighter. Five years ago, he was injured at work. One day, as he was driving an ambulance on a call, a truck crossed the double yellow lines on the highway and struck him head-on. The other driver was killed instantly; Phil survived, but sustained several injuries that would end his 18-year career as a firefighter. He had 3 surgeries that following year. Things at home were probably very hectic...I don't really remember much. I'm sure it was God's grace. Our girls were only 3 months old and our boys were 1 and 3. All four of them were in diapers. It's all a blur now. When I watch our home movies, I'm so glad to see that the kids were happy. They just toddled around, laughed and played with their toys. It was probably a good thing that they were all so young and didn't taste the bitter aftermath as we did. We prayed and prayed for healing from physical injuries, Post Traumatic Stress, and direction for what to do next. God directed Phil's heart to pursue a new career as a Physician Assistant, and he was accepted into the University of Washington's Physician Assistant program.

Four years ago, we moved from Northern California to Spokane, WA, so he could attend school. I remember wondering how I would survive without the help and support of all of our family and friends in California, but I quickly learned that when God leads, He also provides. Spokane will always hold a special place in my heart. So far, it's the best place I've ever lived. I think it's because it's the first time in my life where I had to depend completely on God and He proved Himself to be ever faithful. I watched my husband heal, my kids grow, and I watched my own heart grow as I learned to trust when I couldn't see. I loved our little 2 bedroom/1 bathroom house. I remember wondering how all 6 of us would manage in such a tight space, but we always had room enough--even for out-of-town guests and weekly preschool playdates that would number in the 20's! I learned that God makes much out of little.

Now we've moved to the state of Oregon. I'm anticipating that God will fill our lives as He did in Spokane. I'm really hoping that He will, because waves of sadness come over me when I think about our life up there. I miss people and places and my heart is breaking. So yesterday when I walked into the lobby at Phil's work and saw those three little letters...PA-C...after his name, my heart leaped. Those three letters mean God has carried us through darkness. He's been good to us--beauty from ashes, is all I can think of. Beauty from ashes. He's redeemed something that was so ugly at first glance. Five years ago, I remember thinking, "What are you going to do with all of this, God? It hurts so much." God never let go of me. I feel mended. These glimpses of why, these answers, are so sweet and so dear to me. This transition time for our family will unveil a few more answers, I'm sure. I don't want to miss any of them.

I need to write this, because it makes me sad to think that no one who walks into that lobby and sees his name on that directory will know this. But now you do.

back to school

Tonight is First-Day-of-School Eve here in our hotel room (more on that later). My kids are going into third grade, first grade and kindergarten. We've homeschooled since day one, but this year all 4 are going to school. We're all so excited; in fact, my husband starts his new job tomorrow, as well! People keep asking me if I'm excited to have time to myself. The answer is no. I'm really going to miss them. But I'm just as excited as they are because I'm excited for them. We've been bustling about doing our Back to School shopping (my first time ever) and it's been so much fun. When I'm through typing, I'm going to pack their little lunches--something I've always dreamed of! When I taught school, I would check out my students' lunches and say to myself, "When I'm a mom, I'm going to pack..."

Now, about the hotel...we don't get the keys to our new home until the middle of next month, but Phil needed to start his job and the kids needed to start school. So instead of renting a house for 1 1/2 months, we're staying in an extended-stay hotel. It was easier than unpacking our belongings and getting utilities and Internet hooked up--not to mention there's a pool, continental breakfast and housekeeping. :) We have a 2 bedroom/1 bathroom suite with a kitchenette.

We're just so, so excited about tomorrow!

home

"Home is where we tie one end of the thread of life."
Martin Buxbaum

After a month and a half of searching for another home, God very graciously provided this beautiful home for us. We're praying that its inspection goes well next week. If it does, we'll take possession mid-October, because the seller requested a 60 day escrow.

Here's a quick re-cap of our busy, busy month:

Many of our wonderful friends came over to help us pack up our home and load up the moving truck the day before our move

I turned 37

We had very dear friends make the trek with us--this was just so, so comforting

The men unloaded all of our belongings into a storage unit (because we still didn't have a house)

We camped for a few days on the California Coast

We celebrated our 12th anniversary

We drove down to visit and to stay with family in California

We flew down to Arizona for my niece's wedding

We drove back up to Oregon to house hunt, once again

We found this beautiful home, put in an offer and it was accepted the following day

We drove down to the Bay Area to visit with more family

We're all so excited to move into our new home. The kids are excited to see it, because they weren't with us when we walked through it. Seriously...October can't come soon enough!

moving update

I didn't mean to leave everyone up in the air with my "now we wait" post. The truth is, we're still waiting! We did buy a house in Oregon. The sellers accepted our offer and we thought it was a done-deal. But then we got the home inspection back. It was 45 pages long! The original owner still lives there, so the home hasn't changed hands in over 55 years, which means the home has never been inspected. It's a good, solid house, but lots of things don't meet code. We're waiting to hear back from our realtor to see how much the seller is willing to fix. So in the meantime, we're looking online for rentals in the area. We have to be out of our house in 3 weeks and we don't have enough time to go back down again to house hunt. I don't know where I'll be unpacking my boxes in 3 weeks. It's kind of unsettling.

But on a brighter note, God worked a miracle on our behalf! Our home in Washington sold 2 days after we "bought" our new home. And the story is simply amazing!

Last month, our neighbor 2 doors down walked up the street and mentioned to my husband that he was thinking about buying our house, and to let him know when we were ready to sell. Phil walked over to his house a couple of weeks ago, talked for a few minutes and our house was sold! Just like that. No showings, no weeding out the flower beds or touching up the trim and baseboards--sold!

So I'm kind of excited to see what God has in store for our family in 3 weeks. He surely hasn't forgotten about us. :)

something to laugh about

In reference to this post on laughing...

I often call my boys "brothers" and my girls "sisters." Today in Costco, I called to my girls and said, "Come on, Sisters." And sure enough, as I turned around there were two nuns right behind me loading bags of chips into their cart.

What are the odds?

what we're reading...

After reading to my girls this afternoon, I glanced down at the couch and loved the sight of this!

just talking to myself

I've had a few thoughts running around inside my head for a few weeks now and oh, how they resonated with this post by Ann Voskamp. I've mentioned here before that I'm entering a new phase of parenting. My oldest just turned 8 in January. Being a parent just feels different now. I thought I'd have it down by now (ha ha). Don't worry, I don't.

There are so many things I want to teach them and so many things I want to do with them. One thing I found myself doing when they were younger was to tell myself, "Don't worry, Jen, they're still young. You'll get to that." Did you ever do that in the toddler years and then suddenly find yourself with school-aged children? We still haven't gotten to some of those things.

So here are a few of the thoughts that have been swimming through my head...

...only one of your kids can ride a bike without training wheels...one!
...none of your kids can tie their own shoes...none!
...none of your kids are signed up for music lessons...none!
...your kids should be better swimmers by now.

Three weeks ago as I was driving home from the grocery store, I realized part of the problem. God is so good to give wisdom when we ask. He always comes through (James 1:5). As far as music lessons go, I really, really want my kids to have them. Why? Because I quit them. It's as simple as that, and it might seem reasonable enough, but here's what I discovered about myself...I think I want to raise my kids to be better versions of me. I want to redeem some of my faults and my shortcomings by raising children that make better choices than I did. I'm finding that this puts an awful lot of pressure on a child--learn to do this because mommy can't. Of course I would never say that to my children. But I don't want to live like I'm saying it. Saying it without my words.

My kids are precious. They're individuals. They're not me.
The only One I want them to strive to be like is Jesus.

life in these parts

photo courtesy of my purple girl

We love spring up here in the northwest! After our long, bleak winters, the sunshine feels so nice! My youngest daughter, lover of all things purple, noticed this crocus out in our front yard. I love each budding sign of spring around here!

"Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold...
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only for an hour."

from "Nothing Gold Can Stay"
--Robert Frost

That's what's going on outside...inside our home is just as sweet. I've really been enjoying my kids lately. Sometimes I forget that stopping everything to read a library book can reset the whole tone in our home. This past month I remembered. And what a difference it makes. The kids forget they're disgruntled or bored when we're lost in the pages of a good book. Puzzles and games have the same effect. It took me a few years of parenting to realize this. I think I'm so busy and have so much to do, but sometimes all they need from me is 5 minutes. Then I go back to making dinner and they run off to play and everything's good. Why do I think these interruptions will set me back 5 years? I think I read this in one of Sally Clarkson's books--my children are not interruptions in my day. They are my work (and I don't use the term "work" here as negative or burdensome). Maybe the laundry and the dishes are my interruptions. :)

Now that we're out of the baby stage and my oldest is 8, I often do a double take and think, how did we get here already? Where did the time go? Are they really all school-aged?

"...her early leaf's a flower; but only for an hour."

So, as I said earlier, I've really been enjoying my kids lately. They're growing, but I'm growing, too. I'm learning that good parenting is partly good perspective. It's difficult if you think it's difficult, delightful if you think it's delightful. I realize there's more to it than that. Trust me, I know. But I also feel the deep ache that tells me this season is short and I'd rather have more delightful moments than difficult ones. So we're going to read more books, play more games and do more puzzles. And if it ever warms up, we'll play outside and enjoy the springtime.

Oh, give us pleasure in the flowers today;
And give us not to think so far away
As the uncertain harvest; keep us here
All simply in the springing of the year."

"A Prayer in Spring"
--Robert Frost

Happy Spring, Everyone!

home, moving on, etc.

(source)

Have you ever had a time in your life when absolutely everything was up-in-the-air? Right now is one of those times for me--but I'm not complaining.

My husband just graduated from Physician Assistant school, and I'm so very proud of him. Now we're in the job search process. We had certain areas in which we were focusing our search, but the PA job market, as we're learning, is slim right now. We've had to broaden our search just a bit. Okay, maybe more than just a bit. We've gone from looking on the West Coast to ummm, everywhere. This means that by the end of this year, I could be living...anywhere.

It's kind of exciting, but the truth is, I'm a little sad to leave behind our little house. It's the sweetest little 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house with a terrific fenced-in back yard, complete with big trees, a strawberry patch and garden. I love our hardwood floors and the colors of our walls (which were painted by the previous owner). I love our city, too! And the longer I live here, the more I love it. And then there are the wonderful friends we've made here. I don't even want to think about leaving them behind. :(

But here's the exciting part. I was apprehensive when we moved away from home four years ago in order for my husband to go to school, but God worked out every.last.detail--like our walls being painted colors I would have chosen myself. I'm confident that wherever our family lands, God will do amazing things yet again. He's good to us, and He's good. This is exciting to me.

Everything is up-in-the-air right now and I'm just not sure if I should begin packing up our life here.

in our little house...

we've been wishing and waiting for snow
baking
exchanging valentines
dieting
avoiding chocolate (see above)
reading
organizing toys
attending ice skating lessons (not in our home, of course)
playing games
homeschooling
hosting parties
jumping on the couch
listening to Adventures in Odyssey
drinking lots of coffee

hope your February has been a cozy one, too!

eleven years

We celebrated our 11th anniversary yesterday
with dinner in the backyard
after tucking the kids into bed for the night.

It's the little things, year after year that make life so sweet.
This year I'll remember...

a pretty table for 2

flowers from the garden

a yummy dinner

bluegrass music,
bare feet and candlelight
on a breezy, summer evening.